How it happened
The day was a steady flow of bliss all morning, from holding a yoga class for my friends, a class involving headstands and sun salutations, the weekly pancake breakfast gathering and sunshine without a cloud in the sky.
The snow conditions however, terrible.
We hadn't had snowfall in a week, but cold temperatures resulting in a very hard snow pack across the mountain.
The previous days I had been out shaping a jump at a beautiful location on the mountain.
A natural wind lip about two meters in front of a snowfence towering some two meters above the lip. The landing was pretty flat but good enough and the backdrop were adorned by one of the most characteristic mountains in the area, Vassi.
It was the almost perfect spot.
After clearing the fence a few times I felt confident I got it and started imagining what trick I'd throw at it the next session.
After our pancake breakfast me and Hapmus took to the mountain and I was eager to show him the spot. Cruising down to the location I didn't feel too great, I was not in flow state but it felt alright.
At the inrun for the jump, Hampus told me he would not jump it and cruised down to the spot to watch me do it. As I felt confident from the previous days I thought I'd get some more speed and get a big air over it, but just a regular air to warm up and go for the tricks later.
Riding in I could feel the bumby ride.. the snow was so hard, I loosened my knees and cruised in towards an unpredictable future.
At the kick I was not prepared, at all. I only remember thinking "I got this" then getting launched to the moon with no control.
My body was completely twisted and I was heading face down towards to hard packed, almost flat landing, Fu** was the only thought.
I landed and tumbled. The tail of the board stuck in the snow, I called Hampus to please loosen the bindings I had to get out, something was very off.
My finger turned numb and my whole body felt weird. I managed to move my legs, my feet and arms, ok nothing bad there, but my neck and chest felt numb and a strange pain unlike anything I ever felt before. And cold. Pain and cold.
Hampus called the medics, who strangely enough were taking care of a guy who had just crashed a hundred meters down from me, hurt his neck too.
That coincidence.
When they reached us my pain had intensified but I was breathing, knowing I'm not this body and not this mind, but definitely experiencing this, no doubt.
But distancing from the pain and regulating my breathing heavily helped.
By this time I thought I had broken a rib, I guess I knew something more had gone wrong and I would do best to just be still for now and let the medics do their thing. And wow, to have them on the mountain, such a blessing.
And that I can be stupid and do these things and they will come and help me. The gratitude towards them, their job and the fact that we help each other, enabling us to do the dangerous things we all love doing on the mountain, amazing.
On the way down I hoped for this life to be over a few times. It was a bumpby ride, a painful ride and I wanted nothing else but to not exist in this dimension any more. It was a dark sled ride and painful one, not wanting to be alive anymore, thoughts that soon faded to a sense of
"everything is going to be alright".
And with some morphine I was convinced.
The rest I'll leave unwritten and dive into the psychology or rather subconscious psychology of my accident.
During my rehab I've been meditating a lot and I am convinced that "Life is coming from us, not against us" and thus I am responsible.
But I'm very sure I didn't want this. So how could this happen?
During my time away from it all I've had memories from my past. When I were young, skateboarding and wanting to impress the older guys.
I would start trying a very difficult trick that I couldn't do, why? Because if landed it would be very cool and the one's I respected would like me and if I slammed, that would be cool too. Crazy? Yes definitely crazy but true.
I believe this has been laying dormant as a subconscious belief within me. Something that also speaks to the validity of wanting to manifest this as a subconscious program is the fact that when I were young, I hated school. If I broke or twisted something I wouldn't have to go to school for some time. Once back at school with my cast I would get so much attention and back then, it was cool to have a cast or to do extreme sports... Reinforcing the identity I desired as a skateboarder, one of the cool ones who didn't care. Crazy? Yes definitely.
I believe that somehow this has been laying dormant in my subconscious, waiting for the ripe time to play out.
The idea of karma and free will plays a big part in my invesigation here.
Seeing that we have free will, to always act as we desire, yet, we are responding to our own karma, our own actions. It's a paradox only to be solved trough understanding the root of the action. And thus learn to not repeat the action.
(Read the post about Karma).
This is one way in which you break karmic cycles, learning and doing right. Breaking free from illusions, samsara and finally attaining Moksha.
And how do we do that?
♡ MEDITATION ♡
/A
Comments